The Comfortable Stories We Tell Ourselves

A few different pieces from leaders that I respect have been top of mind for me this week because they’re describing the same problem from opposite directions. The general theme is the things we do in pursuit of comfort that actually make things more uncomfortable. Stick with me.

The first is from Adam Grant, who calls himself a recovering people pleaser. For years he didn’t tell the Uber driver the car was freezing. Relatable. His point is that people pleasing feels like we’re doing the kind thing, but it isn’t really about the other person, it’s about our own fear of being disliked. We avoid making others uncomfortable because it makes US uncomfortable. It’s really about us the whole time. He shares that we end up putting “our image above our values.” ughhhh.

The second is from Simon Sinek, on playing the victim. A social worker told him that playing the victim is powerful and it feels good. My initial response was “gross”…but she’s right. It’s so much easier when it’s someone else’s fault. But Sinek points out that if we’d never let a friend take ALL the blame for something, the logic has to run both ways. It “can never always be everyone else’s fault.” A good thought to pause on is this: if the common denominator in these situations is me, I have some self reflection to do. I realize the sweeping generalizations and oversimplification of that, I also know that situations are wildly nuanced and complex, AND, so much is outside of our control, truly, so what are those things that we can actually influence and impact?

Here’s what I see in both. The people pleaser takes on too little honesty and the victim takes on too little ownership. Both are protecting themselves from an uncomfortable feeling. In organizations, both show up constantly.

The manager who gives a “meets expectations” review to avoid a hard conversation. The team that explains every missed goal with “leadership didn’t give us what we needed.” The leader who says yes to every request and then quietly resents it.

So what do we do with that. An interesting concept to explore is the power of our own agency. Ethan Mollick has been writing about AI and agency, and he makes the case that human agency, meaning the willingness to act, experiment, and push without waiting for instructions, is becoming one of the most important things we bring to work. I agree, and I don’t think it’s just about AI.

Agency means saying the true thing kindly. Agency means owning your part. Agency is taking the wheel instead of narrating why the car is in the ditch.

It’s not comfortable, it’s actually deeply uncomfortable, but it’s better.

Pause and reflect

As we head into the weekend, take a minute to reflect on a few things:

1. 01Where are you choosing comfort over candor right now, and who’s paying for it?
2. 02What’s a story you’ve been telling about a setback that lets you off the hook a little too easily?
3. 03What’s one thing your team is waiting for permission to do that they could just...do?

I’ll leave you with some wise words from Brené:

“Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.”

Have a great weekend!

Andrea